oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
