After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
