She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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