you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
