my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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