apparently the secret to your success is patron
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
