YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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