as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
