Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
