this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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