Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
