I hate your face
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
