this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
