I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
