I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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