Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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