There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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