just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
