if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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