Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
