I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
