I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
