Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
