I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
