Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
