I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
