i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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