Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
