What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
