Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
