So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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