I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
