when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
