Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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