i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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