Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
