I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
