I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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