I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
