all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
