So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
