Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
