Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
