2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
