Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
