sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
