I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
