I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
