I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
