i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
